"Have I ever really given God control of my life?"
The answer to that question seemed premature without also asking myself:
"Do I, of have I ever, really trusted God?"
After quick deliberation, my mind answered both questions with a resounding "no". This response brought about two distinct and significant observations in my mind. First, I thought, "This goes against everything that Christianity is all about; the whole ideology of the Christian faith hinges on trusting God and giving Him control. I might be in big trouble." Secondly, I thought, "Christianity is more than ideology, I know God is real, and I know He loves me. Christianity is about learning, growing, maturing, and following Christ and His example." So what about the whole trusting God problem, how do I resolve this?
To find an answer, I had to go back to what it was that made me stress about the future in the first place: failure. As a senior in college, my life is on the brink of a major transition from the world of academia to the world where I have to actually apply what I've learned. This transition is happening faster than I planned. I have been trying to graduate with a degree in exercise science in hopes that I could go on to physical therapy school for graduate school. If my plan works out, this will delay my transition from academia to application for another three years. Sounds pretty great, right? After taking all of the necessary classes and exams to apply to PT school, I sent off applications to five different universities. My grades were pretty good, my test scores were very competitive and I was graduating from a very well-respected undergraduate program. I had it in the bag.
Two months after sending off my applications, here I am, still not accepted into graduate school. I did all of the work, I made the grades, I passed the exams, I sent in the applications but still nothing. Fail.
The amazing thing about unconditional love is that it gives you the freedom to fail. This is where I realized I wasn't fully trusting God or giving Him control of my life. I know God loves me unconditionally, I have no doubt in my mind about that; the problem is that I think I am better at planning out my life than He is. I don't want to let go of control of my life, I have never really let go of control of my life. It's easy to act like I've given God control of my life when things are going my way and I'm succeeding in what I think I need to succeed in. What I mean is, I can say that I happy with how God is running my life if I'm conveniently fitting Him into my life plan, as opposed to fitting my life into His plan.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I'm learning more and more the truth and meaning of these verses. It's pretty much impossible not to hold onto God when everything you thought you had grasped so tightly kinda slips through your fingers. This is sanctification. I'm learning to trust God with my life, I'm learning just now that when I am weak, then I am strong. Losing control of my life is the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me. I was humbled. Through humility I learned that I haven't completely trusted God or given Him control of my life. Realizing that I am capable of completely trusting God and giving Him complete control over my life is the proudest moment of my life. When I am weak, then I am strong.
About the title of the post: this train of thought naturally led me to think about what it means to be a "spiritual leader". I thought, "if I don't trust God completely how can I become any kind of "spiritual leader?" Through this, I realized how being a "spiritual leader" has so little to do with leading and so much to do with following. Allowing myself to fully submit to God and fully trust Him and His plan is the most important aspect of "spiritual leadership". Leading spiritually, is not about pulling someone along behind you as you lead them to Christ. It's about pushing someone toward Christ as you follow Him. It's amazing to finally realize that being a spiritual follower is the only way to lead spiritually.
1 Peter 5:2-3
"Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers - not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock."
this is super encouraging, jake. ps. one rule of blogging is that you cannot ever comment on whether or not your post is good. You write, you post, and we enjoy responsibly ;)
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